Eighty percent of it Started from Me

• Video Transcript

  The worst thing I can do to someone is to try to control them. Trying to control them takes away their choices and their freedom. Individual freedom is very important, and nobody wants to feel like they can't decide for themselves what to do or that they can't choose the thing that they want.

  One of the places where I have to be especially careful is with my kids. They are still fairly young, so I need to tell them what to do, but I've found that there is a line that I shouldn't cross. A line where I can control them too much.

  I also, of course, have to be careful when I'm talking to my wife. Sometimes what I think is advice comes across too strongly and to her seems like me telling her what to do. And when I cross this line, it's usually because of the tone that I used or my choice of words.

  And of course, I experience people trying to control me as well. People try to control me all the time into doing things they want me to do that I don't want to. And this pressure can come from them using their position or status, or their relationship with me.

  I used to get pulled into doing a lot of things that I didn't really want to just because I thought I should. And I would dread doing those things, and it would make me unhappy. Now my strategy for this is to not react or commit to anything at the time the person is saying it and then later to just do the thing that I want to do. There are never any repercussions for me from using this strategy, and the result is always that I'm happier.

  Another thing that I used to do is to try to change situations. Usually because I know better, which is obviously not true. And of course, this caused conflict for me with the people around me. But then I started to pick up on the signs better and to back off and stop trying to manipulate the situation to how I wanted it to be.

  Most of my motivation was purely selfish anyway, and I just wanted the situation to suit me and what I wanted. But I found that letting things develop naturally and letting other people's input guide the situation brings good results for everyone.

  So then a lot of my trouble and conflict with people comes from me. And even though I often think that it's other people's fault, probably eighty percent of it started from me. I'm not talking about huge problems or big arguments either; I'm talking about even the very small things, like how a conversation goes.

  I want everything, including my everyday interactions, to go smoothly. This requires me to be sensitive or even hypersensitive to the flow of the conversation and the motivations of the people involved. And because I'm not fixed on a certain outcome, my input isn't too strong, and I have hopefully avoided any conflict.